Chapter 13

Loss of Control

Meanwhile, Elif and Kaan had arrived home and were talking to Ayşe on the phone. The phone was on the coffee table, and they were on a video call.

“Kids, it’s up to you of course, but let’s buy the wedding dress from here. Elif, your Aunt Zehra has a friend… there are such beautiful designs, you should see them, my girl,” Ayşe was saying.

Elif and Kaan were slowly beginning to get swept up in the excitement of the wedding.

“Okay, mom. I think it’s better to buy it from there too… When we go together to apply for the civil marriage date, we’ll take care of it,” Elif said.

With great excitement, Ayşe replied,

“Alright, my daughter. Oh, by the way, Elif, you should prepare the list of your friends who will come from Istanbul. When we make the hairdresser appointment for the bridal hairstyle, we’ll arrange it accordingly.”

Just then Kaan cut in,

“Mom, we haven’t even set the civil marriage date yet—what hairdresser?”

As he said this, Elif pinched Kaan without entering the camera frame.

Just as Ayşe was about to explain something to Kaan, Elif stepped in:

“Mom, don’t mind Kaan. You’re right, we should organize that too. I’ll prepare a list for you tomorrow, don’t worry,” she said with a smile.

After the call ended, Elif turned to Kaan.

“My love, don’t you see how excited she is? You’re spoiling her enthusiasm.”

Kaan replied with a slightly indifferent attitude,

“What can I say, my dear? Since it’s my first time getting married, I don’t really know these organization things.”

Elif burst out laughing.

“Oh really? What a coincidence… So is mine.”

It was getting quite late. Elif lay in bed reading a book, while Kaan was brushing his teeth before going to sleep. Elif was absorbed in the lines of the book:

“Inspector Cevdet was responding to a policeman’s remark at the crime scene:

‘There is no perfect murder. In this statement lies a powerful metaphor that philosophically emphasizes human limitations, the complexity of the universe, and the inevitability of moral responsibility. The pursuit of perfection always falls short in humanity’s struggle with its own nature and the universe; because neither humans nor their plans can ever hold absolute control,’ he said.”

Elif didn’t lift her eyes from the book, but her mind drifted beyond the lines.

The words “absolute control” echoed in her mind. Everything she had been experiencing lately—the sessions with her patients, what she had been hearing, even her own nightmares—shared this common point: loss of control.

Her eyelids suddenly grew heavy. She gently rested her head on the pillow, but the book was still open in her hands. When she glanced at the lines again, one sentence suddenly stood out before her eyes, as if it had been underlined in red:

“Sometimes murder is a mental one. And its perpetrator is never sought outside.”

A shiver ran through Elif. She was sure there was no such sentence on the page. She went back and looked again—no, it wasn’t there. But in her mind, the words were clear. As if someone had whispered them. Or… her mind was rewriting something within itself.

At that moment, Kaan came out of the bathroom and got into bed. Startled, Elif quickly closed the book.

“Did something happen?” Kaan asked.

Elif shook her head.

“No, I just came across a very striking sentence,” she said, but her eyes were still uneasy.

When Kaan lay down, he lifted his arm. Elif knew this was an invitation and rested her head on his shoulder. As Kaan gently stroked her hair, Elif felt the urge to confess something.

“You know… I want to confess something to you.”

Kaan became attentive.

“A confession?”

Without lifting her head from his shoulder, Elif continued,

“Do you remember? At our first breakfast together, you asked me, ‘Why did you choose this profession?’”

Kaan remembered it as if it were yesterday.

“Of course… I remember.”

“That day, I told you I chose this profession for my father… but this confession might be one I’m making not only to you, but also to myself,” Elif said.

Kaan listened without moving, curious. Elif went on:

“I didn’t actually choose this profession to reach my father. I chose it to reach my mother. My mother always put barriers in front of me. I could never reach her. We were constantly arguing. She was constantly criticizing me. I always wondered why she didn’t love me… One day…” She stopped.

Kaan listened intently. Elif seemed to be gathering her courage. She was about to say words she had been afraid to even say to herself—yet she was saying them to someone for the first time.

“One day, we argued again with my mother. She said to me, ‘If I had a choice… if I had a choice, I would have wished you had died instead of your brother,’ she said…”

A surge of anger rose inside Kaan at those words. Elif continued:

“That day, thinking maybe I could understand my mother, I chose this profession.”

There was a moment of silence. Then Elif continued:

“I buried those words inside me for years. I didn’t share them with anyone—I couldn’t. I even tried hard to forget them. And for the first time, I’m telling you.”

Kaan’s eyes filled with tears. Gently lifting Elif’s chin with his hand, Elif met Kaan’s blue eyes.

“Elif… thank you for telling me this. This is a heavy burden for one person to carry… I am willing to carry every burden of yours, Elif. And I’m proud of you. Because you didn’t just try to understand… you tried to heal as well. But you’re not alone anymore, okay? From now on, you won’t carry any of your feelings alone. I will always be by your side.”